Dream Catcher

In the spidery webs of a dream catcher,
I want the half acknowledged truths
and my deep subconscious fears to be caught
and disappear by dawn.

In the willowy patterns of a dream catcher,
I want happiness and my personal paradises
to filter through to my sleep.

Dangling above my bed,
hanging over my head,
My very own dream catcher,
which protects me from the very self knowledge,
I am afraid to confront.
When you dry out and collapse,
will all the dreams be undone?

Vision of Hope

Note- Before you read this,it is my Twilight fanfiction. On Alice and Jasper. I love these characters and I love their relationship,and as usual my favorite characters get less screen time because everything is about Edward and Bella. -rolls eyes-And if you don't know Alice or Jasper's character history,it won't make much sense to you. Or maybe it would. Anyway-:


~Alice~
It was waking up from a nightmare,
the burning in my throat remained,
a residue of the hideous fire.
I had no sense of identity,
the emptiness seared along with my throat
The scent of humans were deliciously intoxicating.

I rolled to my feet,
letting the scent guide me,
when a vision transfixed me,
it cut through my emptiness
and gave me an identity I needed.

His face swam into my consciousness
The man had golden hair,
crescents cutting into his alabaster skin
His dark eyes rimmed with red
There was an expression of deep sadness,
it exuded around him like an aura.
but I found him beautiful.

I watched in a trance as the vision shifted,
I was holding his hand,
running towards the golden eyed vampires who were hunting animals.
He smiled at me, a peaceful,serene expression that sent explosive joy to my bones.
We both had golden eyes.

I opened my eyes,
and I felt peaceful,
for the first time since I had woken up,
from never ending darkness.
The darkness stretched before me,
like an ocean waiting to be swum across
towards the light.

I knew I would meet the man of my vision,
I knew I had to meet him.
Jasper.
He is where I was headed,
he is where my life was headed.

~Jasper~

The diner was dreary,
and I was thirsty.
Again.
I knew I would succumb to it,
the rain had made the smell of human blood,
more intoxicating,more potent.

There was a sweet smell among the humans,
an innocent flowery scent that could only belong to..
...a vampire.
She was dancing towards me blithely,
her golden eyes, her peaceful expression,
and the emotions emanating from her intrigued me.
Love? Relief? Happiness?
How strange.

"You have kept me waiting for so long"
she trilled,it was a beautiful sound.
And I ducked my head instinctively,
"I am sorry,ma'am"
She held out her hand, I studied her delicate picture,
the faith in her expression,a speculative tilt of her head.

I took her tiny hand,without making a sense of what I was doing,
the softness of her skin took me by surprise,
or perhaps,I never held anyone's hand this way.
We walked out of the diner,
and she gave me a smile.
A bewitching smile. A happy,radiant smile.
For the first time in the century,
I felt hope.

His and Her Sonnet

Dedicated to Amrutha and Lee ^_^

It was raining outside. The water pressed against the window,and the rain gushed like an excited child. The chilly air made goosebumps of her fair skin rise like pink dots,trailing across her bare arms. She wrapped herself more securely in a blanket,and listened to the quiet rhythmic breathing on her side. She rolled over,and watched his face with a smile.
Boy or a man?
She couldn't tell. It was a face of a boy forced to grow up into a man,but the sleep smoothed out the hard mask,his face was peaceful.Her eyes were tender as she watched him,each second,never getting bored and reveling in the slow movement of time as she watched him sleep.She sat up,her hand on his forehead,as if she wanted to be a part of the place where he found peace. I am right here, she thought as she watched him.You just have to open your eyes.


~~~
The rain was like a curtain that separated them from rest of the world. Like a tiny,peaceful bubble. The chilly air had made goosebumps rise across her fair arms,he traced them absently.
Woman or a child?
He couldn't tell.She gazes with that soft stare that knows him much more than he does. Yet,he sees her grin playfully and launch into an excited chatter like a child,her face dissolving into endearing childishness which changes into a woman's mysterious knowing smile with unnerving speed.
She closes her eyes and lays her head on his chest,like a content kitten curling up before the warmth and he holds her there,much more content than he has known himself. He watches her sleep,watching her innocence effortlessly blending into sensuality...still wondering,marveling about the woman with him .
~~

Little Princess

Hey,little one,
yes,you..the one who is locked up
inside of me.
I know you are mad,
that I have bolted the door too tight.
You are resentful,
you are claustrophobic.

You question why I lock you away,
you who believes in magic,
and happy endings,
with your faith in your beliefs,
and your many wants,
you who believes
you are a princess with white dresses,
waiting for a prince.

Can you understand why I cannot have it any other way?
I sense your smugness,
as I see paradise at bay.
When the magic words are said,
the spell is broken,
the door is open,
you burst forth and take control,
you smile,
and I cry.

The Happy Clown

Here was the happy clown,
A painted smile to his face,
his laughter was a blithe and untroubled sound,
he amuses his audience in his pace.

Painful truths in jest,
he professes.
Leaving his audience in mirth,
they still underestimate his worth.

No one wonders about the face behind
the antics asinine.
He remains the happy clown,
a painted smile on his face
No one sees the hint of a frown,
behind his painted face.

Monster

The shell burst into pieces,
like glass shards of a bottle that held too much.

There was no shape anymore,
to contain the acid churning inside.
It spilled over,
hurting those it needed the most,
scarring those who it loved.

Appalling myself.
Gushing out of my control,
There is a monster lurking inside of me,
can I hope to subdue it,
when there is no shape to hold it in anymore?

~

Masquerade

The hall stretched above him into a dome,the chandelier swinging ominously with delicate 'clinks'. The music delicately rose in and out like a tide. The first few masked dancers were already on the floor. The crowd was slowly milling in,wearing rather imaginative costumes. This is going to be interesting,he mused to himself as he stood against the wall. He was wearing a dark overcoat,a black turtleneck and an amused smile. He was standing in the corner,and he rather doubted he needed a mask as the colorful crowd camouflaged him so well. The crowd hushed for a moment, watching a new arrival warily. He craned his neck to see them.
He saw her first. The man she was with,he did not care much about.
She was walking elegantly on the arm of that man,her delicate frame covered in black satin. It was easy to see her blood pulse through her pale skin,he could see it pool her cheeks easily as she smiled at the people she knew. She looked over at him,there was a puzzled half smile on her face as she turned away. He hadn't realized he was staring.
He followed her easily through the crowd,because she, like him,wasn't wearing a mask. She like him,did not smell like a human. She was standing near the banquet table,her dark eyes scanning the crowd. She got herself red wine and turned to face him,her eyebrows raised in a question. "You were following me"
" I was" he admitted.
"Why?" she asked simply,as if she did not care for the answer.
"This is a masquerade ball" he told her,grinning."What are you wearing?" gesturing towards her evening gown and her lack of a mask.
She half smiled,not a warm one,but a rather intimidating one. "I am wearing my face"

Nil Desperandum

The clothes were back in the cardboard boxes,as her friends had advised. His books,his diaries,his CD's,his sketchbook. The loss resonated within her hollow ribs. She had just sealed them, and she looked at her apartment. The plate was still on the coffee table where she had eaten Chinese food she had ordered. I didn't put it in the sink? She vaguely remembered watching TV dully. She couldn't remember what she had watched. The apartment looked as if it hadn't been lived in for days even though she had been here for a week. All day.
It was so empty. It made her sick.
Where was the laughter? Where did it all turn cold? Where was the warmth and the certainty? Why couldn't she reach for it and bring it all back? She felt robbed and betrayed. This should have gone on forever! Their relationship was timeless. How could it have such an ending?
The sealed boxes taunted her..
She bent down and feverishly opened the boxes. She had to do it. She couldn't give it up. She wanted to feel...and these were the only things that did make her feel. A strange kind of happiness. It was strange because they were accompanied with excruciating pain that tore at her insides.
I am delusional.
~
The boxes were sealed once again.
"I am taking these with me" her friend told her,looking at her like a child who misbehaved. "He is gone,and holding onto his stuff isn't going to bring him back. Your life isn't over...and he would have wanted you to live"
She stared resentfully at her friend.
"It is hard" her friend told her,kindly. "I know..but it is for the best"
She said nothing. She knew what was for the best,but she didn't want the 'best'. She did not want to hear empty kind words which meant nothing. She watched her friend march off with the boxes mutely. And again, she faced the empty apartment that did not belong to her anymore.
~
She looked for her book in her drawers,but she found spectacles instead. His spectacles. Her face lit up in a smile. She was relieved,she thought she had forgotten. The spectacles were a treasure,it was proof that he had lived,really lived.. that his brown eyes had looked at her through these spectacles. Those eyes that could see everything.
She put those spectacles on her desk and watched it with wonder. Her smile slowly faded and she felt abruptly exhausted. She put the spectacles back and went off to sleep.
~~~~~

PS- I was reading PS I Love You and I was disappointed by the shallow characterisation and amateur writing to an otherwise good story. It is an easy reading experience,but not satisfying. This is my alteration ,just wrote out Holly's despair but Gerry doesn't wear glasses. If anyone else wants to read what despair feels like when their spouse had died, Oliver's Story has a better description. And Oliver's Story 's ending was beautiful -

"Sometimes I wonder what I would have been like if Jenny had been alive. I know my answer : I would have been alive too"

and lol,you gotta love Oliver's sarcasm : when his father in law sets him up on a date-

Oliver : I have to leave
His air headed date : Why?
Oliver : for a porn movie
Date : Jeez! You are such a weirdo..you watch porn movies?
Oliver : Oh no. I don't watch them . I act in them. (leaves)
Phil : Why are you leaving?
Oliver : The utter joy is killing me.

~~~I love Erich Segal's Love Story. Lol. It is so kawaii and you end up laughing through most of it.

Jenny : Thank God you're hung up about your father. That means you're not perfect.
Oliver: Oh-you mean you are?
Jenny : Hell no,Preppie. If I was,would I be going out with you?
Oliver : (thinking) Back to business as usual.

Jenny : Oliver,you're gonna flunk out if you're gonna sit there watching me study.
Oliver: I am not watching you study.I am studying.
Jenny : Bullshit. You're looking at my legs.
Oliver : Only once in a while. Every chapter.
Jenny: The book has extremely short chapters.
Oliver: Listen you narcissistic bitch,you're not that great looking!
Jenny : I know. But can I help it if you think so?

Mrs Capodilupo : Hey Jenny!
Jenny : Hey Mrs Capodilupo!
Mrs Capodilupo : Hey-who is the boy?
Oliver : (thinking) Not too subtle around here,are they?
Jenny: He is nothing!
Oliver : (thinking) Which does wonders for my confidence.
Mrs Capodilupo: Maybe. but the girl he is with is surely something!
Jenny: He knows !

Oliver : Thank you,sir. I appreciate it. Really,I do. And you know how I feel about your daughter,sir. And you,sir.
Jenny : Oliver,will you stop babbling like a stupid goddamn preppie-
Mr Cavilleri: Jennifer,can you avoid the profanity? The sonovabitch is a guest!

Oliver : Hey,listen you bitch
Jenny : What,you bastard?
Oliver : I owe you a helluva lot
Jenny: Not true,you bastard,not true
Oliver : Not true?
Jenny : You owe me everything.

Oliver : Is there anything special you want to take along?
Jenny: Uh huh. You.

Ophelia

~
Fair lady,Ophelia,
in love with a man who is 'cruel to be kind',
has thine love rendered you blind?

Incinerating your good naive faith,
charring your reason,shouldn't that be a descent to hate?
Pure you remain,
wasting away in your own pain.
Incapable you were of your own distress,
seemingly you were never his heart's mistress.
~

Rhett Butler <3: The rogue,blackguard ,scamp :D

1. Frankly,my dear,I don't give a damn. \m/ (to Scarlett O'Hara) [hear,hear]
2. You are like a thief,who isn't sorry that he stole but is terribly sorry he is going to jail. (to Scarlett O'Hara) [ reminds me of a lotta people]
   

3.Scarlett : Stop laughing
Rhett: I am laughing because I am so sorry for you.
Scarlett: Sorry for me? Be sorry for yourself.
Rhett: Yes,hurts,doesn't it? I feel sorry for you,my pretty little fool. You can't stand either laughter or pity,can you?
[Neither can I :P]

4. But,hell,I wouldn't have grudged him your body. I know how little bodies mean-especially women's bodies. But I do grudge him your heart and your dear hard,unscrupulous,stubborn mind. He doesn't want your mind,the fool,and I don't want your body. I can buy woman cheap. But i do want your mind and your heart and I'll never have them,any more than you'll have Ashley's mind,and thats why I feel sorry for you.
You are a child crying for the moon. What would the child do with the moon if it got it? And what would you do with Ashley? Yes,I'm sorry for you-sorry to see that you are throwing away your happiness and reaching out for something that would never make you happy. We could have been happy,for I loved you and I know you,Scarlett,down to your bones,in a way Ashley could never know you. And he would despise you if he did know. But no,you must go mooning after a man you cannot understand. And I,my darling,will continue to moon after whores. And,I dare say,we'll do better than most couples. -Rhett Butler
[ Applaud. I love the guy.]

5. And money has made you very very happy,hasn't it my dear? -Rhett Butler
[ Lol. Money can't buy happiness to those who have it. And for those who don't,there is another story]
6. She is the only dream I had that did not die in the face of reality. -Ashley Wilkies about Melanie Wilkies. [ Kinda reminds me of Spike talking about Julia "She is the only woman who was truly alive to me"]
7. No. If you must see him as he really is,see him straight. He's only a gentlemen caught in a world he doesn't belong in,trying to make the best of it by rules of the world that's gone- Rhett Butler about Ashley Wilkies.
[ Wouldn't we say that for everyone?]

8. You are so cruel to those who love you,Scarlett. You take their love and hold it high above their head like whip.I couldn't tell you I love you because I knew you would use it against me- Rhett Butler to Scarlett O'Hara
[ I believe there is technical term for women like Scarlett O'Hara. I am withholding it. ^_^]

9. My darling,you are such a child. You think by saying "I'm sorry" all the errors and hurts of years past can be remedied,obliterated from mind,all poison drawn from old wounds. Scarlett,I was never the one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together and tell myself that the mended hole was as good as new. What is broken is broken-and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see broken places as long as i live. I couldn't live with you and lie to you and I certainly couldn't lie to myself. I can't even lie to you now. I wish I could care what you do and where you went,but I can't.
Frankly,my dear,I don't give a damn-Rhett Butler to Scarlett O'Hara.
[ I would have applauded for this one. I love it. And that is how I see it too]
10. With enough courage, you can do without a reputation. - Rhett Butler
[ The trouble is..does everyone have that kind of courage? The mask that we wear in society soon becomes the face itself]

11.Rhett: Has the war started?
Scarlett: Sir, you... you should have made your presence known.
Rhett: In the middle of that beautiful love scene? That wouldn't be very tactful, would it? But don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.
Rhett: And you, miss, are no lady... Don't think that I hold that against you. Ladies have never held any charm for me.

12. Heaven help the man who loves you.- Rhett Butler to Scarlett O'Hara
[Talking about yourself,aren't you,Mr Butler? ]

13. Of course, the comic figure in all this is the long-suffering Mr. Wilkes! Mr. Wilkes, who can't be mentally faithful to his wife — and won't be unfaithful to her technically. Why doesn't he make up his mind?- Rhett Butler
[ Indeed. Its a very tragi-comic scenario]

14. "The Cause!". the cause of living in the past is dying right in front of us. -Rhett Butler
[ True,Mr Butler.Very true]

So long,Adieu

The sky's depressing grey blue was pressing down on him,foreshadowing inevitable grief that loomed over his head.
It was pouring.
The damp streets left a whiff of a change. He knew after the curtain of rain would cease,there will be a new life sprawling in front of him.
A new beginning.
An end. A death.
The sound of the rain echoed his impatience. An impatient babble.
And petals of rose fell from the window above,falling to his feet like ashes.
The dream had smoldered to an end. And what remained of it was ashes, that looked cruelly like rose petals.

He had dreamt of that paradise. The dream of peace and bliss. And without so much of a sound, the dreams shattered. Wisps of them remained, a sweet pleasure,indistinguishable from the weight of its sadness.
The shredded petals of the rose,now fallen on the damp street reflected them. Scattered like broken glass. The pieces of his dreams that pierced the nothingness. How strange that those rose petals looked like drops of blood.
Was he bleeding?
No.
He was empty. He couldn't bleed.
He couldn't feel.
He couldn't cry. He was dead.
Was the sky being kind enough to cry for him?
No,the sky was singing a funeral song.
He dropped the bouquet and walked away, seeing nothing.

Seeing everything....

.....Goodnight.
So long, Adieu.

The Muse

Step out of those canvas,
Breathe.
You are the reality I lived,
the idea that I nurtured,
Can my own thoughts deceive?
My pride,my exultation,my joy..
are being tainted by apprehension

Open your eyes,
Look at me.
Are you what I thought you would be,
or are you your own being?
Do I see what you are..
or do I see a blinding illusion?

Smile.
Tell me.
Do you inspire me,
or does the idea itself?
Speak,my Muse,
Enlighten me.

Well,isn't that peachy?

You sit at the back of the classroom,utterly bored. Your apathetic dark eyes skim the classroom,you look like everything has disappointed you. You sit there,attempting to blend in,yet your expression suggests you hold yourself above it. You smirk at the sight of the high school drama unfolding around you,enjoying the bigger picture,and the private joke. There is a deep sadness within you,like an incurable disease. I wonder if it is because of not fitting in to the framework of a high school.

You see me approach you,and your eyes dance with amusement. Are you teasing me?

Your attention vexes me.Your head tilts speculatively as you regard me, and you greet me with your sarcasm.We share the same morbid sense of humor, the fascination with all things abstract and we laugh together giddily before I realise that you enjoy yourself with me. The idea strangely pleases me.

You realise you have given too much away,and pull yourself back together. I smile at you,pleased that I have an upper hand this time when I tell you about yourself. You are surprised that I have caught on,but not displeased.

You turn away from me,smiling.

<3 Apart from the song Eclipsed,this quote is my definition of love

"I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is, or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of creation if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself.If all else perished and he remained,I would still continue to be. If all else remain and he were annihilated,the universe would remain a mighty stranger:I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees — my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath — a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff — he's always, always in my mind — not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself — but as my own being "- Catherine Earnshaw, Wuthering Heights

Jane

Are you intimidated by your own beauty? You walk around in shorts and men's overlong shirts,trying to hide it. You are impatient with your hair,you throw them carelessly into a ponytail.You try to hide your hands when you see prettier hands than yours,ones that are soft and offer comfort easily. You look at your hands sadly. Your shoulders are hunched inwardly,defensive,as if expecting a rebuke. You walk lazily,yet it is possible to discern your petite frame through your large clothes.
You lounge in the chair,reading. You let your pen scratch words into your diary...your eyes looking deceptively communicative,yet it gives away nothing. Your face is like a child's,but your gaze is unnervingly wise. Your smiles are often kind,understanding,with flashes of amusement.
You seem embarrassed by attention,yet you want recognition. You are beautiful...but not the kind that attracts attention. Or that is striking. It is the kind that we comprehend like healing gentleness. As we spend more time with you,we realise that you had been beautiful all along.
Are you intimidated by how beautiful you are? Is that why you want to hide?
As I ask you this question,there is a wry smile playing on your lips and mysterious emotion behind the curtains of your eyes....

.........Is that my answer?

Who really was Yamato Kaji?

Those of you familiar with the LCDPP comm will know about the fic Azu chan gave birth to and I adopted. It was THE fic of the comm which,Azu and I were reading again today. It unnerves me that I have written a part of this. I still cannot feel that I have written it and mainly,because of the character of Yamato Kaji. To be honest,I never intended to introduce him. I just wanted the name to be a reason why Aoi Kaji was dissatisfied with his family like all poor little rich boys are. And then Yamato Kaji,very like his character refused to be bound in the slot I had placed him. And then when I introduced him,I intended him to end up with Suzuka. And again,he defied me. The voice in my head said,"Me and Suzuka? Look at what you have written and see if that's honestly possible". I surrendered to his logic even though I named them in a way that hinted to people they are supposed to end up together.
And now I have read the fic again, I am left wondering...who did I model it on? My initial introduction of him was very much influenced by how I thought of my old crush. The "Inferno" I was talking about.Yes,I thought I modeled it on him...and then the character kept going out of control.
I just noticed after my second re reading of the fic (apart from spelling errors),that Yamato was attracted to women who appeared to need him. The second time Pallavi re entered his life,she was his true worthy equal. Yet,he was attracted to Rei. Whether he loved her is still a mystery to me..and that is really open to interpretation :D. He was someone that defines the Shakespearean phrase,"Cruel to be kind"..or as I say, the kind hearted devil. My favorite paradox,the endearing hypocrisy ...didn't I romanticise him? He always does what he wanted. He cant help but hurt people he loves. He feels guilty but he can't do anything to stop it. He is unattainable. He can only belong 'with' someone. Not 'to' someone. Yes,I did.
Extroverted or introverted? He is deceptively extroverted but the company he enjoys the most is of himself. Maybe the vulnerabilities of the girls he was attracted to echoes his own vulnerabilities. He is artistic,and has almost a crude poetry about him. He is the type to sit alone on roofs and stare at the sky,thinking about something. He is intuitive,and that makes him interact with others easily,but he considers himself above the company. The extroverted loner. What a paradox again.
He is capable of cruelty, of course. He is capable of understanding where his mother's stiffness comes from,but as she denies him his air : freedom, he refuses to empathize. He can be callous to people who he thinks are worthy of his scorn. Like the case with Kai. (Although Kai deserved what he got). He reacts poorly to all people who try to control him or stop him from doing what he wants. He is vindictive,he never fails to hit the tender spot when he is around his parents,who also have feeble attempts at sarcasm around him.He won't lie down and take abuse.
He was an energy that forced things to happen and when he died,a lot of things settled down into much more calmer environment. Maybe I just wanted him to be a catalyst that starts up a chain of events ...especially in transformation of Rei. If he had lived,the story would have gotten more and more complicated...
Oh blah. I still haven't figured out who I really modeled him on. Maybe he was just an outgrowth of my psyche.
I may never know,but ,hey,I did enjoy the walk down the memory lane with Yamato Kaji. :D The fic brought a lot of us closer. ;)

Something I should tell SOME people ^_^

Give me my freedom and I shall extend the same courtesy to you.

I love this pic for some reason ^-^

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charlie Brown

I Remember...

There are some memories that trickle through like water,dissolving somewhere into your psyche. I am not sure I remember mine. They like to play hide and seek,giving me occasional glimpses.

I remember the salty air,the texture of the sand,the wind beside the sea. The grey,moody sky and the grey ocean. And how the night cleared the sky of clouds,the night of full moon,violent sounds of the black waves with glinting moonlight off the surface. I remember the lonely beach beside my father's office in Chennai,strewn with bushes and broken bottles but beautiful in its solitude that it offers.
I remember St. Mary's Island. I remember being too young to comprehend how fun it would have been if I had swum in that blue green water. I remember believing there were sharks in there. I remember the sun beating down on the beach,I remember the lemon rice they had served there. I remember going back to the mainline in a fishermen boat,the stench of fish,the way we had all sat on wooden boxes.
I remember the ride in the Hovercraft,and how I was glad to be back out of the craft and back to the shore. I remember being in a ship called Sarang,watching the deep green waters,and being scared of its depth. I remember the black rocks in a beach,and how the ocean sprayed into our faces. I remember sailing from Goa to Mumbai in a fancy boat,which I didn't enjoy much because of how nauseous I felt. I remember eating dosas and idli after watching the sunrise from Marina beach. I remember the buildings and the beaches in Pondicherry,I remember the drive there, i remember Kalpakkam. I remember that I miss the beach.

I remember the trek to Sita Nadi waterfall. I remember how excited I was,that I kept bouncing from one place to another. I remember how others had to use salt and hot water to get leeches off them. I remember the water of the waterfall dropped on me like bullets. I remember I tried to swim. I remember the quiet,undisturbed Hanuman Gundi. I remember the depth of the chilly water that left me shivering violently. I remember the peace the place exuded. I remember Kudremukh. I remember wishing that I would want a house in a peaceful place,away from all the noise. I remember looking at snakes crossing the road,how they slithered out of unexpected places. I remember seeing a cobra,thankfully,fleeing into the drain. I remember playing badminton in the morning. I remember the hut on top of the hill. I remember I could see the port of Manglore from up here. I remember the ice creams. I remember the kites soaring up on the sky,on the day of my birthday. I remember my sister had just learned to walk,however unsteadily. I remember her running after gooses,who scattered at her approach. I remember that my phobia of birds made me wish I was running away.

I remember the dry heat of Hyderabad. I remember buying Cheetos everyday to get Poke'mon tazos,I remember going to school in an army truck, I remember the school with its tiny classrooms,peeling walls and slippery stairs but with a grandeur that all old buildings have. I remember our neighbours, I remember a black dog that used to come to our house for a chappathi, I remember sitting on the compound walls and writing. I remember our neighbour's daughter who was so fond of my sister that she used to yell,"APPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRNAAAAAAAAAA!!" from her house instead of using the doorbell. I remember when my sister first wore a uniform. I remember loving the room I had, I remember how the rain was beautiful to me only because it fell on an area with such dry heat. I remember staying inside,reading but reveling in the very sound of the rain. I remember my science teacher of 7th std,and how I scorned that woman from the very bottom of my heart. I remember my sanskrit teacher who was so enthusiastic about her subject that one could expect her to imitate the flapping of the bird's wings. I remember playing hockey. Or running after the ball,you could call it.

I remember the frivolous parties,and I remember how I hate them. I remember spending my time in company of people who I don't respect nor whose opinions I care about. I remember that there were only few girls in Coast guard who I considered my friends...Sheetal. We are friends since the diapers. She still has the same laugh she had when I asked my mother for water in Malyalam. That is probably the first time I met her. She hasn't changed over the years. She is still the same...the fair minded,non judgmental,gentle Sheetal. We didn't have much in common,we didn't have much to talk about. We just sat together,without saying much,without needing to say much. We would watch TV,go to watch movies, we would dance and we would smile. She is one of the few people who command my respect with her personality. Then there is Shilpi! What to say about Shilpi,she was a firecracker...I remember gossiping with her on her terrace, she is the only one who I turned to for girly chatter, for secrets, for problems she handled with maturity and compassion. The one I could be a chatterbox with. I really miss those two. I remember them as girls who are my only solace in the crowd of Coast Guard.

I will remember the swelling of hope. I will remember the giddy laughter. I will remember being terrified feeling the change. I will remember walking back home after buying paneer and watching the sky change colours. I will remember my dance practices,the day of roaming around in Lajpat Nagar, sleeping in my friend's PG,doing assignments together and walking in the park.I will remember our dance show,I will remember that after the show,I adore the song "Aahun Aahun". I will remember that I trust friends I have never met far more than people and acquaintances I meet everyday . I will remember that they were who I was. They are who I am.

These are some strangely special memories I want to remember. That I am terrified to forget.

Shigure Sohma : The Puppeteer in the Shadows

"The most unconcerned of being alone. The one who never feared me. The one who was impossible to tie down"-Akito Sohma, about Shigure

"When the twelve zodiac were born this time,the servants were really excited. But I understood something else. This is it. It is going to be the last banquet..and that is why we are all gathered here"- Shigure,about the weakening of the Sohma curse.

"I never changed. I am still there. Waiting for you to come to me"-Shigure, to Akito

"We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage.' I believe the technical term is 'being an ass.'"- Shigure

" Who is the fool who doesn't understand,now?"-Shigure about Akito, to Hatori.

"Who said anything about leaving? Traitor"-Shigure to Akito.

"That person..always has to make sarcastic remarks when am in pain. He keeps degrading me"-Akito about Shigure.

"Why don't you let go of being a 'God'? The person your father wanted you to be?"-Shigure to Akito

"On one hand,you want me to deny your identity as a woman. On the other hand,you use the very fact you are a woman against me"-Shigure to Akito

"I too know...what it is like to be jealous"-Shigure,referring to Akito and Kureno's relationship.

"Sometimes I think the whole world is conspiring to destroy my house"-Shigure

"The evil has perished!"-Mitchan,Shigure's editor after Shigure's decision to quit the publishing industry.

I still remember that vow. If I can fight to make it happen, I won't feel guilty about...the means to that end. Even if someone gets hurt in the process. There are times...when I hate myself for it. Especially when I see Tohru-kun. It's not what you think. ...She really is a good kid. Even though she is a tranquilizer for Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun...it just seems to me that everything's coming together so... cleanly. I'm forced to see...that I may be...the filthiest one. -Shigure

Mitchan - Please take your job a little more seriously. Isn't your job important to you?
Shigure - Huh? The most important thing to me...has always been me.

"Don't you feel stupid? They have found their happiness,you're the only one who hasn't let go of the past"-Shigure to Mayuko

"Sometimes it is best not to know certain things. Life is better dealt that way. It is peaceful"-Shigure to Mayuko.

"I call it,'animal instinct'"-Shigure

"Que sera sera.Whatever will be,will be"-Shigure

"We,the members of the Zodiac are monsters. The very existence of the Cat makes us feel better about ourselves. Ask anyone whether they look down upon the Cat,for a moment,I assure you,they'll be speechless. And that is the Cat's duty"-Shigure to Tohru.

"Next time,I hope you meet a woman who you don't have to stay away from even while you're with her. A woman you can truly be happy with"-Shigure to Hatori

"So thats how it feels.."-Shigure,after being released from the curse.