The Happy Clown

Here was the happy clown,
A painted smile to his face,
his laughter was a blithe and untroubled sound,
he amuses his audience in his pace.

Painful truths in jest,
he professes.
Leaving his audience in mirth,
they still underestimate his worth.

No one wonders about the face behind
the antics asinine.
He remains the happy clown,
a painted smile on his face
No one sees the hint of a frown,
behind his painted face.

Monster

The shell burst into pieces,
like glass shards of a bottle that held too much.

There was no shape anymore,
to contain the acid churning inside.
It spilled over,
hurting those it needed the most,
scarring those who it loved.

Appalling myself.
Gushing out of my control,
There is a monster lurking inside of me,
can I hope to subdue it,
when there is no shape to hold it in anymore?

~

Masquerade

The hall stretched above him into a dome,the chandelier swinging ominously with delicate 'clinks'. The music delicately rose in and out like a tide. The first few masked dancers were already on the floor. The crowd was slowly milling in,wearing rather imaginative costumes. This is going to be interesting,he mused to himself as he stood against the wall. He was wearing a dark overcoat,a black turtleneck and an amused smile. He was standing in the corner,and he rather doubted he needed a mask as the colorful crowd camouflaged him so well. The crowd hushed for a moment, watching a new arrival warily. He craned his neck to see them.
He saw her first. The man she was with,he did not care much about.
She was walking elegantly on the arm of that man,her delicate frame covered in black satin. It was easy to see her blood pulse through her pale skin,he could see it pool her cheeks easily as she smiled at the people she knew. She looked over at him,there was a puzzled half smile on her face as she turned away. He hadn't realized he was staring.
He followed her easily through the crowd,because she, like him,wasn't wearing a mask. She like him,did not smell like a human. She was standing near the banquet table,her dark eyes scanning the crowd. She got herself red wine and turned to face him,her eyebrows raised in a question. "You were following me"
" I was" he admitted.
"Why?" she asked simply,as if she did not care for the answer.
"This is a masquerade ball" he told her,grinning."What are you wearing?" gesturing towards her evening gown and her lack of a mask.
She half smiled,not a warm one,but a rather intimidating one. "I am wearing my face"

Nil Desperandum

The clothes were back in the cardboard boxes,as her friends had advised. His books,his diaries,his CD's,his sketchbook. The loss resonated within her hollow ribs. She had just sealed them, and she looked at her apartment. The plate was still on the coffee table where she had eaten Chinese food she had ordered. I didn't put it in the sink? She vaguely remembered watching TV dully. She couldn't remember what she had watched. The apartment looked as if it hadn't been lived in for days even though she had been here for a week. All day.
It was so empty. It made her sick.
Where was the laughter? Where did it all turn cold? Where was the warmth and the certainty? Why couldn't she reach for it and bring it all back? She felt robbed and betrayed. This should have gone on forever! Their relationship was timeless. How could it have such an ending?
The sealed boxes taunted her..
She bent down and feverishly opened the boxes. She had to do it. She couldn't give it up. She wanted to feel...and these were the only things that did make her feel. A strange kind of happiness. It was strange because they were accompanied with excruciating pain that tore at her insides.
I am delusional.
~
The boxes were sealed once again.
"I am taking these with me" her friend told her,looking at her like a child who misbehaved. "He is gone,and holding onto his stuff isn't going to bring him back. Your life isn't over...and he would have wanted you to live"
She stared resentfully at her friend.
"It is hard" her friend told her,kindly. "I know..but it is for the best"
She said nothing. She knew what was for the best,but she didn't want the 'best'. She did not want to hear empty kind words which meant nothing. She watched her friend march off with the boxes mutely. And again, she faced the empty apartment that did not belong to her anymore.
~
She looked for her book in her drawers,but she found spectacles instead. His spectacles. Her face lit up in a smile. She was relieved,she thought she had forgotten. The spectacles were a treasure,it was proof that he had lived,really lived.. that his brown eyes had looked at her through these spectacles. Those eyes that could see everything.
She put those spectacles on her desk and watched it with wonder. Her smile slowly faded and she felt abruptly exhausted. She put the spectacles back and went off to sleep.
~~~~~

PS- I was reading PS I Love You and I was disappointed by the shallow characterisation and amateur writing to an otherwise good story. It is an easy reading experience,but not satisfying. This is my alteration ,just wrote out Holly's despair but Gerry doesn't wear glasses. If anyone else wants to read what despair feels like when their spouse had died, Oliver's Story has a better description. And Oliver's Story 's ending was beautiful -

"Sometimes I wonder what I would have been like if Jenny had been alive. I know my answer : I would have been alive too"

and lol,you gotta love Oliver's sarcasm : when his father in law sets him up on a date-

Oliver : I have to leave
His air headed date : Why?
Oliver : for a porn movie
Date : Jeez! You are such a weirdo..you watch porn movies?
Oliver : Oh no. I don't watch them . I act in them. (leaves)
Phil : Why are you leaving?
Oliver : The utter joy is killing me.

~~~I love Erich Segal's Love Story. Lol. It is so kawaii and you end up laughing through most of it.

Jenny : Thank God you're hung up about your father. That means you're not perfect.
Oliver: Oh-you mean you are?
Jenny : Hell no,Preppie. If I was,would I be going out with you?
Oliver : (thinking) Back to business as usual.

Jenny : Oliver,you're gonna flunk out if you're gonna sit there watching me study.
Oliver: I am not watching you study.I am studying.
Jenny : Bullshit. You're looking at my legs.
Oliver : Only once in a while. Every chapter.
Jenny: The book has extremely short chapters.
Oliver: Listen you narcissistic bitch,you're not that great looking!
Jenny : I know. But can I help it if you think so?

Mrs Capodilupo : Hey Jenny!
Jenny : Hey Mrs Capodilupo!
Mrs Capodilupo : Hey-who is the boy?
Oliver : (thinking) Not too subtle around here,are they?
Jenny: He is nothing!
Oliver : (thinking) Which does wonders for my confidence.
Mrs Capodilupo: Maybe. but the girl he is with is surely something!
Jenny: He knows !

Oliver : Thank you,sir. I appreciate it. Really,I do. And you know how I feel about your daughter,sir. And you,sir.
Jenny : Oliver,will you stop babbling like a stupid goddamn preppie-
Mr Cavilleri: Jennifer,can you avoid the profanity? The sonovabitch is a guest!

Oliver : Hey,listen you bitch
Jenny : What,you bastard?
Oliver : I owe you a helluva lot
Jenny: Not true,you bastard,not true
Oliver : Not true?
Jenny : You owe me everything.

Oliver : Is there anything special you want to take along?
Jenny: Uh huh. You.

Ophelia

~
Fair lady,Ophelia,
in love with a man who is 'cruel to be kind',
has thine love rendered you blind?

Incinerating your good naive faith,
charring your reason,shouldn't that be a descent to hate?
Pure you remain,
wasting away in your own pain.
Incapable you were of your own distress,
seemingly you were never his heart's mistress.
~